your bespoke psychopath

“The Drop-Bear of Baskerville”

timelordy-teganbreann:

By request of guthwine-anduril
(I’ve only watched the episode once, so the details/plot line is from my (crap) memory.)
Disclaimer: I’m from Australia so I can take as much piss out of it as I like. In fact, I live in a real derro town, so…
**STRONG LANGUAGE** 

Holmesy: Nah, Jonno, I don’t feel like doing shit
Jonno: Bloody hell, Holmesy! Get your shit together, ya dick
Holmesy: Fuck off, ya cunt
Jonno: Fuck off. Oi, got any jobs for us, mate?
Holmesy: Some kid lost a rabbit or some shit
Jonno: A’ight. 
Holmesy: Hey Jonno, mate?
Jonno: Yeah, mate?
Holmesy: Get me my ciggs, will ya?
Jonno: What? Nah mate, cold turkey, ‘member?
Holmesy: Oi nah, don’t be a dick.
Jonno: Fuck off mate
Holmesy: Cunt.

— Some time later —

Knighty: The fuck are you sniffing my smoke for, mate?
Holmesy: Oi I’m not!
Jonno: Just ignore him, mate. So, some bloody dingo ate ye dad?
Knighty: Nah, mate. It was a Drop-Bear. Traumatic as fuck, though, I’ll tell ya that.
Jonno: Right-o. Whataya reckon, Sherl?
Holmesy: Fuck that I aint doing shit till I get a smoke 
Jonno: Oh for fu-
Knighty: Ya insensitive bastard
Holmesy: Jonno, call Les. We’re gonna find a bloody lost rabbit, right.
Jonno: The fuck are ya-
Knighty: Oi, nah mate! That fucking Drop-Bear should carck it
Holmesy: I’ve changed me mind. Let’s get on it, Jonno.
Jonno: What the actual flying f- mate, are you bipolar or someshit?

— Some time later —

Jonno: Oi, nah, he’s just my mate - we aint like that
Dude: Whatever ya say, mate ;D
Jonno: Oh for fu-

— Some time later —

Holmesy: G’day, mate. Just wanna have a look around ya place, alright?
Yobbo: Mate, I dunno-
Jonno: STAND DOWN, SOLDIER
Yobbo: …This way, please.

— Some time later —

Mikey: Sherlock, what are you bloody well up to?
Holmesy: Bugger off, bro. 

— Some time later —

Jonno: … fuck me. You’re rich, aye?
Knighty: Yeah, mate.
Holmesy: Yeah good-o right so who wants a cuppa?

— Some time later —

Knighty: *Smashes a bottle of Heinekin*
Sheila Shrink: THE FUCK ARE YOU CRAZY
Knighty: Aw shit, leg it! 

— Some time later —

Holmesy: Fuck this bush, aye. There’s bloody midgies all over the place!
Knighty: Right, so that’s the place the bastard got me dad.
Holmesy: Right-o. Let’s go check it out, aye.

— Meanwhile —

Jonno: YEAH BOY, BONE HER YA LEGEND! Oh shit where’s Sherl got to
Jonno: Fuck, it’s dark, aye
Jonno: Shoulda brought some goon
Jonno: …who’s there?
Jonno: Sherl, don’t be a dick
Jonno: Mate, you’re not funny
Jonno: …
Jonno: LEG IT FUCKING HELL OMG

— Some time later —

Holmesy: ‘Bout time ya show up, Jonno, mate
Jonno: Fuck, Sherl. That was trippin’
Knighty: OI FUCK IT’S THERE YOU GUYS HOLY BALLS
Holmesy: Whatareya on about? Where?
Knighty: Over there! Can’t ya see?
Holmesy: Wat?
Jonno: I can’t-
Knighty: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
Holmesy: Oi that - I - what is… Oi, mate…
Jonno: What’s going o-
Knighty: LEG IT YOU GUYS HOLY SHIT
Holmesy: Woah what the hell was that, Jonno? Jonno, mate, didja see that? That’s not right, aye. There was - it couldn’t’ve been, though, aye? Right?
Jonno: The fuck is going on.

— Some time later —

Holmesy: Mate I’m maggot
Jonno: No shit, aye 
Holmesy: Oi but I don’t know what the fuck happened tho 
Jonno: Nothing happened, mate. That Henry guy got shit scared and ran like a bitch. I saw nothin’
Holmesy: Oi but mate I swear I saw a Drop-Bear, tho
Jonno: Come off it
Holmesy: Mate don’t think of me as piss-weak or anything but I’m hell scared
Jonno: Mate it’s alright, you’ve just had too much to drink-
Holmesy: Fuck off.
Jonno: Mate… You’re gonna have to pull the other one; Drop-Bears ain’t real, you know that.
Holmesy: Fucking hate life. Nobody even gets me
Jonno: Oi, I get ya. You’re my mate. People love ya. Oi, but get this, right, some kids were hell going at it when I went off on my own way. The van was shaking and the lights were flashing, aye! I bet she’s not gonna be able to walk properly for a right few days, get what I mean, aye? ;D
Holmesy: *Huff + manly tears*
Jonno: … Mate-
Holmesy: I saw it. That fucking Drop-Bear. I know they shouldn’t exist, hey, but I saw it. That bloke isn’t off his chops.
Jonno: …Are you crying?
Holmesy: Mate, when you know the facts and theres shit left over, whatever you can’t get your head around must be the answer. 
Jonno: Right. You’re being an idiot, you know that? 
Holmesy: WHY DO I HAVE ALL THESE FEELS?!
Jonno: Calm your tits, mate. Go shag something.
Holmesy:  
Jonno:
Holmesy:
Jonno: Mate-
Holmesy: THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, DO YA GET THAT?! 
Jonno: …
Holmesy: Look, I’m alright, see? That chick over there is screwin that guy over there and that guy has a dog or some shit and that’s his mum, right? ~Fatty’s on a diet~ and he’s a mummy’s boy. And what a fucking ugly jumper. See, mate? I’m *hick* ‘right!
Jonno: Right. Okay. … … Why would ya listen to me, anyway? I’m just ya mate.
Holmesy: I don’t have mates.
Jonno: … I wonder why, ya cunt.

— Some time later —

Holmesy: Hey, mate, listen. Um, I was a dick last night.
Jonno: No shit, Sherlock.
Holmesy: Look, I’m - uh - I’m, uh… Look, I’ll buy you a beer.
Jonno: Right.
Holmesy: Oi, Jonno - you’re the best footy player I know. You’re ace at it. Oi, and your jokes are funny. And you’ve got… a good taste in… birds. Look, mate, I-
Jonno: Leave it.
Holmesy: John— I… meant what I said, though. I don’t have mates.
Jonno: …
Holmesy: I’ve only got one.
Jonno:
Holmesy:
Jonno: Dude that was so gay
Holmesy: Oh god I know

— Some time later —

Holmesy: I made ya a cuppa, mate
Jonno: … … Cheers
Holmesy: A’ight.
Jonno: Aw, mate, you know I don’t take sugar
Holmesy: D:
Jonno: Ah, fine. I can deal.
Holmesy: :D

— Some time later —

Les: BOOOOOOOYS! HOW ARE YEEEEEEEEW? WAZZAAAAAAAAAP?
Jonno: Hey, G-man! 
Holmesy: The fuck did the “G” come from?
Jonno: His name is Greg, mate.
Holmesy: What? Nah, pull the other one
Les: I have a first name too, ya dick.
Holmesy: Fuck off

— Some time later —

Jonno: Oh my god what is happening holy fuck
Jonno: Shit
Jonno: THIS ISN’T THE SHIRE
Jonno: Drop-Bears are fucking real and it’s in here with me holy shit
Jonno: LEG IT
Jonno: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
Jonno: Oi, Sherl. You gotta get me outta here. Drop-Bears are as fast on land as they are up in the trees - just like the legends say!
Holmesy: Ah, she’ll be right
Jonno: FUCK YOU MAN I’M HELL SHIT SCARED
Holmesy: Mate, calm down
Jonno: FUCK YOU I WON A BAFTA

— Some time later —

Jonno: TOOK YOUR TIME, MATE
Holmesy: It’s all good now, Jonno.
Jonno: NOOOOOO. IT’S NNNNNNNNNOT ALRIGHT 

— Some time later —

Jonno: …You drugged me?
Holmesy: Mate, at least it wasn’t roofies

— Some time later —

Holmesy: Ugh. Fog. Goddamnit.
Jonno: This gun is such a phallic symbol, christ.
Knighty: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Holmesy: Calm your tits, mate.
Les: This is fun guys please take me on more of your adventures <3 :3
Drop-Bear: BOO!
Holmesy:
Jonno:
Knighty:
Les: 
Holmesy: WHAT
Jonno: WHAT
Knighty: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Les: STONE THE FALMIN’ CROWS
Holmesy: JONNO, SHOOT IT
Jonno: I CAN’T SEE FOR SHIT
Knighty: RUN BITCHES, RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN
Les: GUYS THIS IS SO DISORIENTATING WHY DO I ADMIRE YOU AND WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND HOLY SHIT
Holmesy: JAAAAAAAAAAAWN
Jonno: *BANG BANG BANG*
Knighty: *Screaming like a bitch*
Les: THIS IS SO NOT MY DIVISION

— Some time later —

Holmesy: So, it was drugs.
Jonno: Right-o, then.
Holmesy:
Jonno:
Holmesy:
Jonno: Hey mate you were wrong about the sugar, though
Holmesy: Get farked

~*~FUCKING STRUTH; IT’S THE END~*~ 

I’m fucking dead.

(via frangipaniprincess)

1. syvasuru reblogged this from timelordy-teganbreann and added:

   awesome, haha. my favourite part:

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    hahahahahhahahahahahhaha...mix between mortification

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    Read More Doods, read this shit. It’s hysterical! Jonno: Dude that was so gay Oh god I know

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    …..this is fantastic.

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    FUCKING AUSTRALIA

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